12/23/03
11:30 p.m.
Dear God,
It is the day before Christmas Eve, and as I have told You before many times this week, I have been feeling pretty low. But I know that sometimes You have to take a step back and let me try to do things on my own. Although it felt like it would never come, patiently I waited for that feeling of security. That “knowing” that You were taking care of me and even though I hurt, You would not let anything hurt me. I keep reassuring myself that people can, and do beat cancer, so why not me? I am a young, strong, mother, and You, Yourself, know what parenthood can do to a person’s strength and determination!
I come to you with my usual “thank you’s” and prayers, but also with a few extras tonight, too. I am very blessed with many wonderful family and friends. I have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband, and many more friends than I knew of. Tonight, the night before Christmas Eve, Santa came. Can you believe it? I am 25 years old and Santa Claus came to my house. On Christmas Day, Joe and I will watch Joey open gifts that WE didn’t even know he was getting! We will watch him with as much wonder and awe as he will have for the magic of that moment! Can You believe how lucky we truly are? Can You imagine years from now, when we sit down to watch the video of Joey’s first Christmas, how amazing it will be to be able to tell him this story?
I am convinced that there are some people who aren’t just people, they are angels. A couple weeks ago, Suresh from 7 East at Christ Hospital called me and told me that they had chosen our family as this year’s “Adopt-a-Family.” We were beyond touched by their offer and their gifts over the Thanksgiving Holiday. I am disappointed in myself that I got wrapped up in all the chaos with our “news” of the lesion that I didn’t even send them a thank you card or make the cookies I was going to bake.
I talked to Gerri from 7 East and she mentioned that she would be bringing over not only gifts from the hospital, but also gifts that her family and friends wanted to give as well. We had NO idea the magnitude of this gift. She brought her neighbor and her son Marty to help carry things in, and Joe and my brother Dave still had to make a couple trips as well. In minutes, our dining room and living room were full. There is more food than we can find place for. Baby food, juice, diapers, toys, clothes, wipes, the list keeps going. We’re still not cleaned up! As if that wasn’t enough, there is an unbelievable amount of gift certificates to Jewel. Gerri got me a pedicure. I can’t wait! (Maybe I’ll have them do my toes while their drilling those holes in my head, at least I know the polish won’t smudgeJ) Joe is so excited to go to Wal-Mart and go shopping for some clothes. He lost 45 pounds in four months and is very proud of his accomplishment, but now his clothes hang off of him! Also, since he uses his own version of the Atkins diet and is a big meat eater, he is really excited to take the George Foreman Grill to work and grill some fresh brats or burgers. He’ll be a hero! It has been so long since we have had time to just rent a movie and relax. It seemed like we were just starting to get back into the good old “normal” feeling again and now things are all crazy again. Maybe we just need a good funny movie and to snuggle up after Joey goes to bed to help us remember how strong this is going to make us. Joe will probably fall asleep half way through, but then again, I guess that would be what makes it feel so normal, You know? Now, here is something so interesting. I have never been to the Hancock Observatory, and I used to be a downtown connoisseur. This, of course, means that Joey has never been there, and I am so excited to be able to plan another first for him. Michael’s Craft sore is having a huge sale after Christmas and I have been longing to get back to my crafts that I love so much. Originally, I thought this may slow me down, but now, that 70% off scrapbook aisle is calling my name. K-mart, Kohl’s, Marshall’s, and Babies R Us… You know what they say; the best kind of therapy is retail therapy! And I believe it! Then there are some personal gifts. The Joyce family sent me a Christmas pin and earrings, and some lotions. I’ve said it before...when you have no hair, the only thing you can do to feel like a girl is smell good! (And get a pedicure.) Michele and Erin sent a snowman ornament. We already hung it on the tree. There are piles of clothes for Joey. Soft fleece, sports stuff, car stuff (which his daddy loves) and Elmo! His favorite! There is even a Noah’s Ark play-set in the toy box. I’m excited, because we’ve been trying to read his children’s Bible and now he can learn about it even more. The dog had a treat and a raw hide bone and the cat is purring louder than I’ve ever heard him, because he had some tuna cat food tonight, which he’s never experienced before. I can’t even name everything, there is so much stuff. For a long time, we just sat and starred at is all, in awe. I can’t believe there are people that are like this, this giving and caring, that they would do so much for a family that most of them haven’t even met, and didn’t think twice about it. And at this time of year! When money is tight and times are tough, when there’s so much to buy that you sometimes forget to be thankful for what you have, people are thinking about me. My son. My husband. My family, my life, my holiday. As we sat around and starred at the wonderful clutter, my brother said “This is the kind of power you have behind you right now.”
I feel recharged. I feel hopeful. I feel strong. I am in awe of Your works. I am humbled.
I know the next few months will not be easy. The last ten haven’t been a piece of cake themselves. But I can and I will beat this. I am going to be the biggest, best survival story you have. Just watch.
Before I go to bed, I just really wanted to say thank you for all of the wonderful doctors and nurses that I have. Last week, when I was in the hospital, I heard Gerri come onto her shift and as for me to be her patient. It felt so good to have that comfort at a time when I was really scared. You know, it has been really difficult to go through all of this since I lost my mom, a year and a half ago. She was a nurse and excited to be about to be a grandma when she passed, and it has been hard to not call my mom for questions, advice, or help. Gerri reminds me a lot of my mom. I think we have that same sarcastic sense of humor, which is really great because there are only a few of us like that. But she has been so supportive and insistent that I can beat this, and that I am as comfortable as I can possibly be while doing it. And You know what? I believe her. Oddly, no one really told me what was going on with this new lesion. (Maybe they did, I wasn’t really too with it last week or this week.) But, after I talked to Gerri, I felt like she had cleared some things up for me and I just felt better. Modern medicine is amazing because it can help so much and take away so much pain, but the feelings I experienced tonight because of these amazing people just changed me. I know that this tradition will definitely be one that continues in our family for years to come. Next year, we will adopt a family, and we will spread Your grace the way that they have. And the year after that and the year after that…
I know we usually keep our conversations pretty private, but I hope you don’t mind if I pass this letter along. I really want them to know how their actions have changed who we are. In one night, I have a whole new take on things. Am I lucky or what?
Love,
Kristin Schubbe
(Joe and Joey, too)
